Email: f0_sud0 at yahoo Piller Gregerson Objective Never in the history of the world has there been something that has pleased all of the people all the time. With that in mind it is my mission, nay imperative, to get into a position where I can ply the skills I have gleaned and acquire new ones that will be of no use in the future. Experience Worker Bee 2/2004 - Now Major Cell Phone Company Norfolk VA * Actually enjoyed my job. Chris Johnson 7/2003 - 1/2004 That Ratings Company That Never Calls You San Diego CA * Like many of my jobs I spent it calling people at dinner time, but unlike any of my prior ones I was actually giving people money. Not much but enough for them to still hate me. * Watched as people will far less computer experience were promoted to the computer side of things. * Spent my hours of down-time proofing the Radio Ratings Handbook so that the next edition wouldn't have spelling errors and contradictory information. Where the fixes ever put in? Who knows. Ghost in the Machine 2/2003 - 5/2003 No Name Tech Company San Diego CA * Created and implemented software that caused misery in the lives of 150,000 people a day by sending spam to their fax machines. * Took company's servers hostage when they didn't pay me after 5 weeks of "we will have money for you tomorrow" and a bounced check. * Administered *nix systems since the guy who had 20 years of nix experience couldn't be bothered to do things like make backups or patch for security bugs. Call Center Supervisor 3/1999 - 2/2002 Unnamed Mail Order Company San Diego CA * Babysat a work force of over 100 people who, with ages ranging from 20 to 60, were too incompetent to think for themselves. * Motivated people to make more commission money by selling third party goods, that our customers did not want, with fear and intimidation. * Created and maintained Micro$oft Excel spread sheets for tasks like complaining to reps about how badly their sales numbers where deficient, keeping up with people who were too lazy to show up and monitoring generally disgusting performance issues for up to 135 inbound phone based sales representatives. * Issued disciplinary action up to, and including, giving people the boot. * Trained new and existing employees on new sales programs, customer service policies and computer functions which where designed to be understandable by 5 year olds but which they felt were over their head. * Ancient hacker secrets were used to inform the IT department of gaping security holes in the fire wall and other computer problems which came up far too often. * Accommodated for the drug induced delusions of adequacy of others. * Inbound phone sales and customer service for a men's apparel mail order catalog that was trying to get rid of its gay image. Telephone Sales Rep, TSR 9/1997 - 8/1998 Unnamed Software Company Carlsbad CA * Out bound cold calling to people during dinner time to sell a $29.99 monthly software package containing programs that people could download for free from the internet. * Technical support for computer (l)users. Telephone Sales Rep, TSR 10/1996 - 9/1997 Unnamed Call Center Carlsbad CA * Out bound phone sales to warm leads, again during dinner time, for a variety of major media companies who were too lazy or afraid of the fraud lawsuits to set up their own call centers. * Sell to people new goods based on what they were tempted to buy based on television ads 6 months to a year after they forgot they made a purchase in the first place. * Put up with people who thought they were the coolest thing in telemarketing since crushed ice. Human Resources Assistant 8/1995 - 7/1996 Unnamed Corporate Hell Oceanside CA * Managing documents that contained lots of potentially embarrassing and confidential details about their private and company life. * Formulating compliance plans with state, county and local government laws so that we did not get sued or spend money on disability and unemployment. * Company wide miracle worker. * Teaching people how to talk to one another with out getting sued for sexual harassment. Library Aid 5/1992 - 6/1996 Unnamed Library San Diego CA * Dealing with people who were to incompetent to use the materials available to find that for which they were looking. * I filed all day long. * Instituted ideas for streamlining processes and increasing circulation because the branch manager was an indecisive air head. Education No Name Junior College San Diego CA * Spent the better part of this time studying the making of fine art in the hopes that one day I could have a extravagant lifestyle and eccentric personality by making lots of finger paintings that people would pay way too much money for. * Iz evan tooks an spellink clasz. Certificates Perfect attendance 2001. Just goes to show that if you pay people enough to keep them interested they will show up even when sick. Computer skills: More than skills than windows has bugs. Advanced: * POSIX compliant shells, GUI's are for slackers. * Linux, SysV and BSD. * Windows; every thing from 3.1 to XP except Bob. * Excel, MS Word, MS Outlook (Express and other wise), * Emacs (vi is Evil), MACS Intermediate: * Word Perfect (can you believe I started out in the 1.0 days) Beginner: * C, Perl People skills: * The ability to insult someone's intelligence and get away with it because it will be a few hours before they figure it out or I have used my Messianic charisma to make it seem like I said a good thing. * A knack of intimidating people just by walking in the room. * Great skill in making people laugh/cry by causing them to look at things from a different frame of perspective. * I have been referred to as one of the most sociable anti-social person you will ever meet. The word I would use is borderline sociopathic. Hobbies & Interests that will play no role in employment. * Mostly things that end in Greek and Latin suffixes like: Bibliophile, antiquophile, paleontology, oceanography, archeology, anthropology, theology, astronomy and sociology. * Making computers do my evil bidding. * Envisioning a world where my pessimism, optimism, wit and intelligence to create a master piece of literature that will bring forth a new age of enlightenment to the great unwashed masses. And make some money.